I remember the nights where I paid careful attention to everything that surrounded me. I took notice of how the sky gradually changed its colors. I watched petals fall from trees, and the ones that still remained on the branches. I observed small groups of people and individuals walking around; their facial expressions, what they were wearing, how they walked, and so forth. All of these tiny, trivial details mattered to me. During my observations, peace and calmness sank in my body… but there was always this acidic feeling that was eating me way— a painful loneliness.

I can live without your love. It’s that simple.

The sweet tone you always spoke to me with, the many times when you called me “silly” in that same tone, how you would asked me questions about myself, how you patiently listened to my answers, your “I’m there for you” promise, the fact that you would obediently do whatever I asked of you… Your affection for me was what drove me away from you. Your words and actions; no, your very presence annoyed the hell out of me. You tried to get close to me emotionally and physically in a short amount of time, but I absolutely hated that. It drove me to the point where I couldn’t fucking look at you directly in the eyes anymore. Another hug from you would have pissed the fuck out of me. I feel bad for my actions, especially when you gave me nothing but kindness in return, but I’m not entirely apologetic. I don’t really care that I abruptly cut you off from my life.

I owed you an overdue explanation for my indifferent behavior. It doesn’t improve our drifting friendship or change anything, however, because you’ll never read it. These words simply needed to be said (no matter how cruel they are). Now let me temporarily wallow in my self-hatred because of my actions.